MSc…
Firstly, I thank Allah for making me pass my coursework and proceed to the dissertation stage. Since this semester started, I haven’t been putting nearly the amount of effort that I would like to put into my thesis. My friends and colleagues keep on telling me that whatever effort I put in is enough, but I know that it really isn’t. Maybe it’s just imposter syndrome but oh-well… if someone has the solution to imposter syndrome then let me know. Because one thing for sure, just telling yourself that “you have done enough” is not the solution. In any case, I am still working on the draft of the proposal (lol, not even the actual proposal XD). The most painful part is looking for literature around an area that hasn’t been researched no matter how much you convince yourself that it has been researched, even though you know it hasn’t been researched. And besides all of that, I have constantly gotten the comment (from my supervisor, sister, cousins, very close-bros, indirect-bros and close friend-bros) that the topic I am pursuing is apparently very “over the top”
and I should make it into something that’s actually doable. Keep in mind, this was before my supervisor finally agreed for me to do this. How can I explain to all of them that I don’t know what a topic feels like for Masters, PhD, Undergrad, or just regular research grade? I have come across papers that are PhD worthy yet are published as part of a journal. In any case, let bygones be bygones. The topic has been chosen and I have been working on it.
Now coming to actually write up the drafts and submit them to my supervisor. By the way, I cannot express enough how SUPPORTIVE he has been this entire time. I guess I was right in asking him to be my supervisor. Whatever emotions he shows are just enough (and just the way it should be). I like the way he can give actual constructive criticism and can give you a reality check when you actually need it. He is uncompromising yet kind. He knows what’s feasible and what’s not. Yet he doesn’t hinder or stop research from actually happening. A true academic in my opinion. My only regret is that I wish I could give him the feedback he wants in time. This brings me to why I haven’t been able to give timely feedback or give the effort I wanted to.
Work…
Work is fun when people know what they are doing. If the people implementing solutions don’t know what they are doing then the clients will be facing stresses that they shouldn’t be facing to begin with. In any case, right after the semester started, work got hectic to a point where we were knocking off (on avg.) 3+ hours after work hours almost 4/5 days in the week. This took a toll on all of us here, and it wouldn’t be just to call only myself a victim in this. I even stopped claiming overtime because I didn’t even have the energy to in the forms, and didn’t think it was worth getting those. In any case, this took a significant amount of energy out of me and gave me fatigue that I never faced before. Truth be told I don’t think anyone expected that amount of work, I surely didn’t. This lead me to the point where I couldn’t even work on the thesis draft. All I could think about over the weekend is how to get some rest and sleep. If anything, there were weeks (including weekends) where I didn’t even turn on my laptop. Simply because I wanted to get some rest (though I didn’t because of the guilt of not working on the thesis). During this time and even quite recently, I fell ill several times. Food poisoning being the recurrent one. Though, can I really blame the food at this point if I neglect eating proper food? And I call it neglect because I knew that eating this much outside food is gonna do more harm than good, yet I still ate outside food because I didn’t have the strength to cook meals at home. This is also overlooking the fact that a person would be lucky if they didn’t manage to trip when walking across the living room. Yeah, it’s that bad. Was, then cleaned, now became still is.
DISCLAIMER: this regularly happened a while back–>. Regardless, I think another aspect that isn’t exactly related but we can consider it is that, at work I am facing issues where I cannot innovate or experiment. Yes, granted the place has strict security policies. But they really should work on improving policies around R&D. It’s just way too restrictive to implement any improvements. And on top of that, a person (or two, or three) at the work place is very reluctant to investigating (or maybe just shuts down) any form of new ideas I might have. Like, can you at least hear me out before you shut me down? Can we at least look into it before saying “No”? This, not only pisses me off but also prevents my career from growing. How am I supposed to improve my role as a Systems Analyst if I cannot improve my analytical skills? If there is something I can improve by bringing in something new, why not see its theoretical effect before disposing it completely? If I were to play the devil’s advocate against myself then yes, there is an actual problem in the organization itself. And whatever the person (or people) was (were) doing is per the protocol. But I’ll tell you this now… You cannot expect the place to change if you don’t welcome any change but portray that you actually are progressing towards change. It’s a false facade that (may Allah forbid) could potentially negatively affect all the “users” of the organization. I stopped trying to bring up any new ideas nowadays because I know I can’t budge them to accepting it because they’re just gonna put it down. So much for being an academic/scientist in a place that literally pretends they are researching but really aren’t even trying to and have policies that restrict what they are trying to (a little bit hypocritical if you ask me).
But I do have to emphasize that if you ignore this the place is very, very good. If anything I am here for the people and the type of work. A work place will always be really good if the people around you are really good. And I like the people I am around (minus what I said, albeit it’s only for 1,2 or 3 person/people). It doesn’t mean they are bad people or that I don’t like them. If anything, I like them but it’s just that aspect of them that I don’t like.
Personal Life…
So yeah, the people kept their words… Marriage still looks like a fantasy at this point in time. There’s no point in ranting about something for which you should have majority of the control but don’t because of problems from the past that incurred which you were not part of, yet the aftermath of that is what get’s you to be at the position you are in right now. (Deep breath). What I realized, and this is in general, is that if people fail to defend reasonably and justifiably their points to me, and expect no follow up questions if they didn’t justify enough, I get really frustrated. Angry? Maybe… I’d say around 2%. Disappointed? Absolutely! I guess this is just a heads up to the reader: If you know we aren’t that close or don’t know me at a very personal level, then next time we talk and some discussion comes up, please please please oh please I ask of you to NOT get offended if I ask you follow up questions about your statement. Because as bad as it sounds reading whatever you read right now, I for one welcome various opinions and views from others. And I am gladly willing to accept if you can justify just enough. BUT, if I have some questions and concerns about your opinion or view, it’s not because I don’t trust you or that I think my way is the only right way (eww for even writing this coz that’s very egotistical). It’s because I genuinely want to understand your perspective.
And that’s another thing. I will ask a question when I don’t understand something. If I understand it, then I wouldn’t be asking follow up questions. By the way, this does not mean that you have to justify every single thing. You’ll know when we are going into that discussion phase just from the conversation alone. So while this is kind of a big deal for me, rest assured it happens very rarely. So yeah, we can actually have casual conversations but just be a bit mindful of this.
$\text{Var}(W+M+P) \ne 0$…
So, if we take all of this turmoil in my life at the moment, it’s very imbalanced and bad. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised if I died before my parents and sister. The life I am living right now is both the best and the hardest (to date at least). My health is going downhill, I am not able to put in the effort that I want to in my masters, I have become very lazy in the things that matter the most, and I am getting used to living alone. Yeah… I think that’s what scares me a lot right now that I am getting used to living alone. While it’s good in some ways, at least for me, it is terrible. I don’t want anyone to spend the rest of their lives alone. Sometimes I wonder if it’s just the hormone talking or if it’s actually realistic for me to worry about what I am worrying. But I know one thing for sure, there is a void in me that I am trying to fill but can’t. No matter how much I chase after the answers, I can never seem to reach it. No matter how I try to fill in that void, the void just sucks it in. It’s like a black-hole that’s never growing but is ever present. You know that the void will go away eventually if it meets something with enough mass to saturate it. For now, I am terrified and not well. But I am grateful for everyone and everything around me.
And most importantly, I express my gratitude, praise and thanks to Allah for still making me see His beautiful creations. I am eternally indebted to Him for making me experience the good that only a few can ever dream of experiencing. And I eternally seek refuge and forgiveness in Him for all the tough and bad times I am in.
Thank you Allah… for everything….
– A A